It's About Balance, Not War

I have never felt any tension between at-home mothers and working mothers, so I was curious to see how an entire book could be devoted to this topic. The mothers I know seem to understand that regardless of whether you work or not, it's not easy being a mom. The idea that one side feels superior to the other is ridiculous to me. I began reading the Mommy Wars with that sentiment.

The Mommy Wars is a collection of 26 essays written by women, nearly all of whom are mothers who have struggled with the decision to work outside the home. Their stories tell of how they came to their decisions to stay home, work full-time, or enjoy a combination of the two. But contrary to the title, most of the essays never materialized the so-ascribed tension between the groups.

Rather, the essays (with the exception of one by a feminist stay-at-home-mom) leave you feeling good about whatever decision you've already made, as well as the decision you'll make when you change your mind. Each mother's personal distress is turned into a positive outlook with an "everything's going to be okay" mentality. The stories are heartwarming, funny and thought-provoking.

Here are a few snippets from different essays:

One of the funny parts:
"Once at 3am, in an attempt to help out, Michael got up to change a diaper while I sat on the floor by the changing table, the breast pump wheezing and pulling both boobs. I was so tired and stretched and stitched, I didn't think it could get worse. Then I felt warm liquid splatter against the side of my face. I didn't move. 'That better not be shit on my face,' I snapped. It was."

What really bad child-care looks like:
"Before I had a chance to bend down and hug my son, I noticed my infant, Sara, on the kitchen floor, propped up against a dirty pillow with a receiving blanket tied around her to hold the bottle in her mouth. The nipple had slipped out, and Sara was struggling to find it, twisting her tiny face as far as she could, turning red with exertion."

A daughter's thoughts on her mother's suicide:
"Thirty years later, I'm awed by a mother who kept house and raised two children while working five days a week. Who could completely sublimate herself, uncomplainingly, throughout her twenties and her thirties for the good of her family. It was an incredible act of self-sacrifice. I believe it killed her."

One mother braves the truth about children:
"Taking care of children full-time is overtime without pay. Children are little vampires. Nothing is enough; neither is everything. They turn their adorable faces up to us, and we hardly mind that we haven't had a full night's sleep since they were born. They are adorable, of course, for reasons of evolution: If they were ugly, they wouldn't live beyond age one."

Nothing like tragedy to bring focus to what matters:
"Doctors showed me a shiny sheet of X-ray paper with a cancerous lesion the size of a quarter on my left lung. They told me I would be dead in months. I was thirty-eight. Sasha was four."

The best advice I ever heard about having it all:
"This is the cardinal rule for 'having it all' - have it all inside a very small perimeter, so that you can get to any problem ASAP."

Every essay made me stop, put the book down and ponder what I had just read. Sometimes I couldn't continue reading because I was so lost in thought. I was of course examining my own decision to stay home. There aren't many days when I don't consider it. No doubt, the moments I cherish are plenty and I'm eternally grateful for them: watching the kids grow before my very eyes, drinking in the brief moments of family peace, watching Gigi wake up from a nap, both of us fresh from rest and eager to bond.

But a lot of the time, the notion of sitting in a meeting with co-workers sounds very appealing after not talking to a single adult all day. The dream of sitting down to a desk job looks like a vacation after chasing two kids around for 12 hours. Too much of one thing is bound to have you yearning for something else.

Or worse, the exhaustion and tedium will render you worthless at your job. No successful employer would expect his employees to do top-notch work with no lunch break in the day. Laws are enacted to ensure workers get breaks. It's humane and it yields a happier, more productive workforce. It's a simple truth: I'm a bad mother if I'm exhausted and have had enough; I'm a good mother if I've had a break, even a tiny one.

For a long time I've personally tried to achieve balance in my life, and for the most part, I believe I succeeded. Work some, play some. Eat some, exercise some. Read some, watch some. If I was stressed or physically unwell, it meant I was unbalanced in some way. I just had to find out why, and then do some of the opposite.

When you have kids, this isn't so easy. As one mother in the book put it, "In a life with children, balance does not exist." I want to beg to differ, because that would go against everything I've just said about managing my own life. It may take a little longer, and perhaps more patience than I've ever had, but I do hope that I can come to my balance ideal - one that makes me a happy wife, a connected mother and a complete person. I think that's what every mother wants, working or not, because it's in the best interest of her family. I owe it to mine to find that balance.