Kind

One Thursday morning as I walked from Gigi’s classroom after dropping her off, one of her teachers came out of the room and stopped me in the hall.  She wanted to compliment Gigi on knowing some Japanese words and point out how nice she’s been towards her classmates. 

The teacher is Japanese, about 60, and because she smiles and gives a little bow every time I see her, she lends an air of pleasant politeness.

I thanked her and we talked about the ways in which Harrison and Gigi are different (Harrison being nice in more boyish ways).  She said, sort of under her breath, that she thought it was somehow better when the brother was older than the sister, and not the other way around.  (Her children are older-brother/younger-sister, as are me and my older brother, as are Robin and his younger sister). 

It didn’t matter if there was any truth to the opinion.  We shared a moment of nodding connection that felt good.  Not just because of what she said, but because of the effort she took to start the conversation.

We bowed our goodbyes and I walked away with my hand on my heart and my face making that I Can’t Believe Someone Was So Nice face. 

I had recently finished The Happiness Project (post forthcoming), thanks to my friend Amy.  In it the author experiments with Extreme Nice.  This is being as nice as you possibly can for a set period of time.  Including being nice to your kids and husband the entire time.

Through her experiment she recognizes that though doing this is challenging, it does make her happier.  By making others feel good, she brings herself joy.  Not a new concept by any means, but the way in which she experimented – by being nice no matter what and for a set amount of time - was a new approach to me.  One I have yet to be in a good enough mood to try. 

Since that Thursday morning, and after reading The Happiness Project, I’ve thought more about Nice.  What is being nice?   Who are the nicest people I know?  Do I thank them enough?  Am I nice enough?  What is my contribution to Nice?

Often I see Nice in teachers, who by the very nature of their jobs can’t help but be nice.  I don’t think you become a teacher for the pay or notoriety.   Or in a friend who’s recognized our possible connection.  Or in a mother who’s simply made it a habit to be nice because of so many years trying to be nice in raising her children.  But it’s also often in someone I only sort of know, who radiates goodness, generosity and effort in more than they need to. 

When I think of Nice, I also have to think about my own mom and mother-in-law.  When they’re around, they sprinkle Nice in their wake and I follow close behind to inhale it, hoping my high lasts after they’re gone.  I don’t know where they learned it or what keeps them going.  I know with my mom, she has few reasons to be happy or nice, and yet there she is. 

I asked Robin what his thoughts were on Nice.  He didn’t have to think about it.  He said he doesn’t believe in being nice. 

Wha?  Doesn’t believe in being NICE?

He said anyone can be nice.  The most insincere person can be nice.

Ah, I see.

He believes in being kind.  Because kindness shows empathy and is more honest.  When you’re kind, it shows you’ve put thought into what you can do to make other people happy. 

Yes, of course.  He’s right.  It’s kindness that’s meaningful.  Kindness that I mean.

So I’m going to try to be kinder.  To the kids.  To Robin.  To strangers.   To the someones I only sort of know.  And especially to the people who already make an effort to be kind.  To me, they’re people who help others.  Who volunteer.  Who say kind things and do kind deeds.  Who look out for other people’s happiness (and encourage them to read The Happiness Project!).  Who look out for other people’s kids.  Who ask how you are and care to know the truth. 

Though they never demand it, shouldn’t kind people be rewarded?  With spa treatments at the good places and gift cards that let you buy whole outfits and dinners that include wine, appetizers and dessert?  But if money’s tight, I bet they’d be okay with a sincere thank you.  And when you’re ready, and in your own time, you can give your thanks again, in kind.